When I was in my late twenties, I had a quiet moment of peace while standing on a friend's homes’ balcony. In the cooling afternoon light, I looked down below into their green garden of flowers and above into vast, blue sunshine with luminous clouds.

At the time, it seemed that I was at a mid–point in my life. And in that silent moment, where there was little noise from traffic – just the gentle rustling of leaves, the reassuring song of birds and the great announcement of sky – from that stillness came a prayer from my heart. With my hands resting on the wooden rails of the balcony, with the white pain flaking off, I said softly to myself, the sky, and whoever else unseen who was listening in, “I need help with anger” because I was hot headed flame and pissed off with the world.

Very soon after, I was clicking through Dorje Chang Institute in Auckland New Zealand’s website and I saw that His Eminence Chöden Rinpoche was coming. He was teaching on Refuge one evening which I couldn’t make, but I recommended it to friends. They came back and said it was excellent and were filled with happiness. The high praise spurred me to make the weekend's teaching, a crown initiation of Yamantaka. 

I had received and had been practicing peaceful and wrathful meditations throughout my twenties, but had not received instruction or empowerment on Yamantaka. I decided to go, not thinking it linked to my prayer.

At the initiation, DCI’s gompa was packed. There was little space on the floor for prostrations of respect, but we all found room. There were translators. H.E Chöden Rinpoche sat solid as a rock on his high teaching seat. Eyes closed. The emanations were huge. There was vetting to see if this teaching was right for everyone present. People were removed for their safety. I hunkered down. We were instructed to look out for omens in our dreams, and to place kusha grass under our mattresses to dispel. The Buddha used this grass to make the meditation seat on which he attained enlightenment under the bodhi tree and it was meant to dispel negative forces,

Two very exciting prophecy rituals were given: one to tell which Buddha family we were in, and the other to tell whether we should be receiving this initiation or not. For this we were to drop from our palms a light in weight flower on a board, and where it fell would answer this question. It was said that our skulls would crack if we weren’t ready for this teaching – and a deep intake of breath came from the collective room. 

The first person went up and their flower fell directly onto the floor. A deeper intake of breath from the collective room. H.E. Chöden Rinpoche spoke quietly in Tibetan, then the translator announced into his microphone “please stand a little closer”. A sigh of relief poured out from many.

When I went up for one of the prophecy rituals, standing close to the board so my skull wouldn’t crack, H.E. Chöden Rinpoche, whose eyes had been firmly shut for most of the initiation, open his eyes and looked at me. Our eyes met, and he filled me with what felt like nectar – sweet bliss, joy, love and happiness poured in. 

Later, Blessings were then taken round by monastics, while the rest of the room was seated. One tasted like an other-worldy yoghurt, I gobbled them up from my palms like a hungry piggy. I may have snuffled. My body drank them in, not missing a drop, feeling the blessings absorb into my cells. There was an immediate understanding of a deep need being fulfilled. 

I cannot even try to convey the accuracy or impact of this initiation. But to summarise it, and with the fact that it was over a decade ago, I can explain what it felt like to me – knowing that everyone else who was in the room was experiencing it uniquely, and in the way that they needed to. 

H.E. Chöden Rinpoche was a mountain of unmovable energy, transmitted the teachings of Yamantaka in different stages. At each stage he energetically manifested the converting of anger to bliss and union. At each stage I felt held and taught: "This is how you do it", and felt in that moment I could do it just as His Eminence explained.

It was truly magnificent. Helpful and kind. Strength pouring into the room to deal with anger held for centuries. At the end of initiation, while H.E. Chöden Rinpoche was escorted from the room, we exchanged smiles again. Whenever H.E. would come to New Zealand and I was in the country, I would try to be there. 

Sometimes I was in retreat, and I would miss him. I regretted that. When I was in H.E.'s presence I felt understood and fully seen by him. I did not get to see H.E. much in my life, but his unphysical presence felt close by at times, and it felt possible to remember and receive teachings through this.

The last time I saw H.E. was at a Crown Initiation of the Medicine Buddha. At one stage I was feeling overtired and irritable from a full life. He looked over me and the irritation in my mind vanished. From that glance, I was left with a gentle feeling that I could do better in that regard.

It will be more than a life’s work to be able to express and truly practice what was given by receiving that Yamantaka initiation. I still feel anger and irritation at times, but its danger has been lessened considerably and the shadowy aspect has been shone on brightly. Have I been given the tools to know how to respond to it? Most definitely. And those transferred skills felt to me in the highest order. 

I have been very grateful to be taught by many brilliant teachers. It’s been needed. I have cherished the connection to have met H.E. Chöden Rinpoche in this life.